A re-introduction of sorts

OOPS it's been 7 months and I am not the same at all!!

It’s been 7 months since I wrote anything. I didn’t mean to hit the brakes on this newsletter. It just.. happened that way. My brain must have known something big was coming and made an effort to save space and energy however it could.

It’s been 7 months and I feel like a completely different person. I truly have shifted, stretched, shrunk, and surprised myself with this quiet rebirth of sorts. In my adult life I don’t know that I have had such a drastic shift within myself — the only comparable time is when I left the church, started voting for Democrats, dating women, and losing a big part of my life’s foundation.

In December I received news that I have papilary carcinoma, a non-aggressive type of thyroid cancer. I struggle to summarize what this news means for my life and will continue to mean for my future. Did you know insurance is a scam? I am just learning how corrupt it is, and how evil of a system it is for the ill and the dying. If I had more energy, I would devote a large chunk of my time to advocate against it. But I am so very tired.

I cannot pretend to suddenly be a wise adult with concrete life advice but I am learning some earth shatterins lessons right now and I’ll go ahead and share those with you (prefacing that I am mostly a little silly guy who doesn’t know anything)

* control issues + medical issues that have a wide array of variables are a tough mix. you will be shoved against the wall of acceptance that life really isn’t your orchestra so you might as well stop pretending like you run the show.

* life is morbidly random. no, i could not have prevented this by wearing natural deoderant or eating less hot cheetos. no, this is not karma from past sins. this is just something that is happening to my body. sickness is not a morality response. it’s random and genetic and sometimes a cocktail of both.

* the cliches are all true. LIFE IS SHORT! i have lived most of my 33 years in response to a desperate grasp at security with a hint of paranoia never allowing myself to do something simply because it sounded good for right now. right now is more than enough because it is all i truly have. what the fuck am i waiting for?

* energy is sacred. capacity is worth protecting. these are things i never ever want to take for granted again because they are not promised. i have moved through this life on the assumption i would always feel good. feel energized. feel capable of saying yes to anything i wanted. the privilege of a healthy, able body, is one you know the sting of when it feels like its slipping out of your grasp.

Unfortunately I don’t think I would be learning this much about myself, or grounding into life like I am without cancer. It’s not a gift by any means. But I do understand how the existentialism sobers you up and hands you a mirror. Do you like the you that you see? Do you spend your time on things you want? or like? Do you spend your time with people you like? or just want to be liked by? Do you care about the things that hold your attention or is there something in the corner of your eye worth looking at instead?

Not knowing what is ahead is the hardest part. I don’t know if exhaustion will flood my bones or if I will feel more or less the same. I don’t know if the scar across my neck will scare me and I will want to cover it with necklaces and higher-cut tops. Maybe I will find it empowering? Knowing me, I will forget its even there. I don’t know how familiar I will become with doctors offices or how much the threat of reoccurence will loom over my head. Maybe I will live freer than ever — letting the wind blow in my hair, guzzling up everything in front of me, more present than before.

Most days I am a weepy mess fumbling my way through thick emotions, brain on fire with questions nobody can answer, body trying to store up a reserve of strength like a bear before winter.

I know now more than ever how little I know, how little I can control, and how the right here right now is all that matters.