when i am anxious there are a few tells. one being… to-do lists popping up. EVERYWHERE. my desk has a couple. my note pad has a few. my phone has one. the fridge another.
lists have always been my weak ass attempt at keeping my shit together. they were my desperate grab at order growing up before i knew i had ADHD and they still serve as a comfort— even if they aren’t as affective as i would hope.
i’ve been going to therapy every friday trying to cope during this cancer chapter of life. last week she looked at me and said “ok, i think we have to do some exposure therapy”
exposure therapy?? i associated that with getting buried in a tub of worms or something. apparently that’s not it.
context: i’ve been struggling to connect to wanting to have surgery. it feels bizarre to me to choose to sacrifice an important organ even though i know that’s my only option. unfortunately i have cancer throughout both sides of my thyroid so a full removal is the solution. the avoidance of this (quickly approaching) operation has led to panic and when i think about having surgery it feels like i’m backed into a corner and my throat is closing up. that’s not the mental state i want to be in going into it.
so, exposure therapy it is. my therapist gave the example of when you have a kid who is terrified of the dentist your instinct is to not remind them they have an appointment in 5 days. but what you REALLY need to do is talk about it. daily. you’d say, “In 5 days we are going to do the dentist to fill a cavity. the appointment is on a tuesday and your dentist is Dr. Crentist. They will give you laughing gas and you might feel scared. That’s ok.”
the exposure is in the acceptance.
its giving yourself a chance to see what you’re capable of handling before you give up on yourself. its saying the thing out loud that is hard to admit. its looking at what scares you in the face instead of looking away. not pretending you aren’t afraid. not forcing yourself to fine when you’re very much not. acknowledge it’s scary as fuck to be go under anesthesia when you gave major control issues. to not know what happened until you wake up. of course i’m afraid and that doesn’t have to change.
but i am not doing myself any favors by stifling my feelings because i am too afraid to sit with the heaviness of this grief and the bigness of having cancer. loving myself well during this time looks like leaning into all of it. whatever comes. knowing that one way or another i’m going to be ok in the end. that i never think i’m going to make it through the next difficult thing and the days come and go and i’m still here, aren’t i?
i have a running list of shows and movies for recovery time so Dog House UK has been getting me through. it’s the most feel good 45 minutes of my day and it makes me absolutely feral for dogs and british phrases.
speaking of watching something that made me feral, i saw Love Lies Bleeding and it was 900/10 bonkers hot weird and un-missable.
Chappell’s Tiny Desk
off to celebrate my last week with a thyroid and take it to all of its favorite places