my grandma is my favorite family member.
if you’re related to me and reading this it’s ok because i know she is yours too. she is our family glue.
she fell a couple weeks ago. this has been happening in greater frequency. each fall scarier than the last for differing reasons every time. my grandparents are getting older and it’s a very sobering experience. my grandpa has had a little exercise routine for the last forever years. he is still active - the busiest retired guy i know. i never worry about him falling. my grandma survives on coffee with too much creamer and ice cream. she is mentally sharp and 5 ft of pure sass. i worry about her health constantly. when i look at them i feel like i have a choice to make about the kind of steps to take for the future. it is a fork in the road. a glimpse into what is to come. a choice. future.
a future i never thought i would have because the evangelical church told me the world would end by now.
no, literally. i was told i wouldn’t graduate high school with full confidence. this lingering idea that at any moment my life would be over corroded my ability to dream -to imagine who i would be as an adult. i never dreamed of a career or kids or a wedding - it was hazy and dark when i even tried. it instilled this “live for the moment” mindset that has had long-lasting affects. i am still working to undo the belief system that what i do doesn’t really matter and matters the most all the same. here i am at 32 feeling every decision made from that place deep in my bones. carrying them all with me. grieving the loss of what i didn’t know then. cradling what i know now with great responsibility.
i am having to constantly remind myself “the future” is coming, and fast. when i look in the mirror and see noticeable wrinkles under my eyes it’s jarring - i stop and stare for longer than i should. when did this happen? what is next? as you can see, i’m getting existential about time again and wrestling with the fact that i believe aging is a gift while praying to the retinol gods to do their worst. covid really did a number on my already strained relationship to the passing of time. i often feel so robbed by those years and their lingering weight. (lit/fig) i feel so grateful to be healthy and alive today. i’m learning that it’s all about a series of little choices and less about one pivotal moment where everything changed. read- it’s a lot more boring with way higher payoff. an absolute drag for my flash loving ADHD brain that is addicted to reinventing myself.
entering into today choices for tomorrow me era
“keep it simple, baby.” that’s what i’m whispering to myself every day from now until i kick it. simple daily choices one after the other. in it for the long haul. committed to creating the future i desire inch by inch. morning by morning. trying again. lots of do-overs. no rules just lacing my fingers with myself and holding on.
stick to the skincare. drink the fucking water. move that body. call your people. read the books. use your hands. stay learning. be outside. (not just go outside) floss for the love of god. give your dog the best day. stretch, for real. start the garden. write the words.
zoom way out to see the bigger picture then zoom alllll the way back in and keep the gaze.
xx, cami